The ins and outs of stoned sex

Maree Rose gives us her pros and cons of having a toke n’ poke

Sex when you’re high – good or bad? They say that smoking weed makes every experience better, though too often this editor finds himself too lazy and stoned to pleasure anyone. Our writer Maree Rose gives us her pros and cons of having a “toke n’ poke” – hahaha.

I’m happy to say I spent the long weekend wakin’, bakin’ and watching a documentary on lowland gorillas. Totally recommended. Animals are even cooler when you’re high.

Sex can be pretty cool when you’re high, too. I also spent the long weekend getting laid.

The old toke n’ poke (I’m trying to get this saying in Urban Dictionary, work with me here) is no doubt a personal choice.

Me? I have a five-minute rule. If we don’t start playing within five minutes of having a hit you’d best believe I’m retiring to the lounge to eat until I fall asleep with Shapes crumbs all over my dressing gown.

I digress. There are a number of reasons why we do or don’t want to take off our panties after hitting it. Bottom line: all your choices are valid.

The pros

It makes you horny

Straight up, weed can act as an aphrodisiac and boost your libido. THC – which is weirdly similar to brain chemical anadamide – is known to regulate stress levels and lowering anxiety, as well as of course making you feel good. This not only makes you more in touch with your sexy wants and needs, but it opens your mind up to experiencing them.

It’s almost like our bodies are telling us to get high and have more sex. Bet you didn’t learn about that in health class all those years ago.

It feels both physically and emotionally awesome

Having a grill with your lover can make you slow down and enjoy every inch of skin, rather than rushing to the finish line. This allows more time for vasocongestion (which is a scientific way of saying blood flow to your bits) and myotonia (muscular tension). Everyone loves a bit of heightened sensitivity.

Sex therapists often report couples that smoke together feel sexier and more comfortable with each other. Fused with a heightened awareness of every touch, smell and sound, weed can provide the perfect cocktail of good vibes for getting laid.

We all know where I’m going with this.

The “oh” factor

When ladies get turned on or are in the throes of an orgasm, the part of our brain responsible for high anxiety and stress checks out. Weed can fast-track this process and make sure we stay relaxed.

Coupled with the that slower build of tension, many women find that their orgasms are stronger, longer or more intense. Others say they experience an amazing throbbing sensation after coming.

Some even claim they can only squirt while high. That’s a lot of ruined bed sheets in the name of marijuana.

The cons

It makes you hungry and sleepy

Too many of the tough decisions I make centre around whether I want to prioritise food, sex or sleep on any given day.

Weed makes you want to eat. A lot. And then sleep. A lot. Sex can be less of a priority with those two options on the table.

Like I said, you’ll probably have to choose between pizza and head.

You can overthink

Sometimes our brains are too busy contemplating life’s bigger issues for sex to be an option.

Or how awesome it would be if you could taste the individual flavors of Skittles, Kettle chips and Cadbury chocolate all at once instead of having to choose each time you want a mouthful of food. I once spent close to an hour fantasising about this.

Unlike Plato, you’ll be a different kind of stoned philosopher

It messes with your mouth

Fuck trying to hook up or give head with cotton mouth.

Did you just eat? You probably have salt, sugar and pizza sauce remnants around your mouth too. Oh, baby.

It messes with your bits

There’s a reason the term “cotton vagina” has been floating around weed forums for a while now. Just as green dries out your mouth, it also dries out other areas that contain bodily fluids.

And lads, the sensory overload could lead to you blowing your load a lot quicker than usual, not being able to blow it full stop or your little man not being interested in coming to the party at all.

You could be a starfish

Too much chill isn’t always a good thing. Weed lowers your energy levels; therefore physically you may not be up for a sex marathon. You may not even be able to move.

Still want to get some loving? You’ll probably have to assume starfish position and hope your partner has enough gas to get on top. The two of you could always eat instead.

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